Daydream

enli“You inspire plenty of content for my daydreams, I’m happy for the first time in a while,”
— Grazia Curcuru

As I was sitting in my room last night, I allowed myself to reflect on a dream I had before waking in the morning. As I attempted to avoid thinking about it throughout the day as at times I can get carried away and fantasize a little too much, I realized that I had such a nice day all because of the realizations occurring in this dream. Now, as individuals many of us have a habit of analyzing something for too long or lingering in depth about just one thing and for once, I simply wanted to say “I had a nice dream. I enjoyed my dream and because of this, I had a nice day.” However, nothing in this world is coincidental, so I promised myself a few minutes to think intensely about this dream of mine as long as I didn’t try to analyze each minor thing within such dream for too hard and too long.

What I realized in this dream is that after years of being filled and surrounded by hidden toxicity, I am finally at a place where the people I get to experience make me feel good. As well as filling me with genuine curiosity, a sense of purity and a new level of honesty and naturalism, I’ve hoped to get to for so long. I’ve noticed lately how quickly I am allowing myself to be open in social situations where previously one can say I was more on the reserved side, I’ve laughed and smiled without caring if I was laughing too hard or not enough and have bonded over both similarities and differences, something I’m just now embracing as okay. With this though, I also realized that there is still a slight level of toxicity in my life that I can choose to embrace or let go but with that choice I am allowing myself to be patient, to let it work out how it is supposed to not just how I want it too.

Secondly, as most of you won’t know being we’re still getting to know one another, growing up I was a very confused child who looked to love as my outlet until it was an addiction that created some interesting habits. I spent a decade playing this love game that I frequently wanted to take myself out of though the hole I dug was just too deep, so it wasn’t until 17 when I realized it’s never too late to start over. A little before 19, I decided to take a full break on relationships, love, attraction, anything of that sort as I was both exhausted of it all and needed to find myself.

Luckily, through an extensive process, I was slowly able to reconnect the pieces of what I am and where I want to go and who I want to do it with. However, then I had a problem of being so driven and so protective of myself that I refused to give any of my newfound wisdom away until this level of accomplishment began to fade as I felt as if I were incapable of experiencing any true emotion. So again, I went through an extensive process of getting to know myself and realized the sensation or romance that was missing was the same sensation or romance I was convincing myself and others that I didn’t know I’d ever want, and so I began searching for it; going against my recent knowledge of letting things occur naturally. Then, I noticed my drive wasn’t high at all, so I began another extensive process of focusing on things that make me feel good and again, getting to know myself more. At this point, I was able to accept the fact that I do want love and sensation but that one day I’ll get it, for now, there are piles of other things that should be a priority in my life. So, I had this dream yesterday about me being introduced to a person who made me feel great, that I ended up dating and though I was excited and felt a bit of relief, I didn’t let this consume me so I’m still not going to waste too much time on a dream.

Most importantly, this dream made me realize that patience really is important and that though I claim to be tolerant, I sure could use a lot more patience in my life. And as I realized this, I realized that the people I’m now meeting, the people I’m connecting with and the memories I’m creating have all been due to patience. The relationship with my parents and my sister and even her more recent boyfriend, wouldn’t be where they are now if it weren’t because of patience. So as I discovered this new trait that I’ve had all along and just needed to get to know a little more, I have vowed to take it day by day, to enjoy every crevice of every moment, and inspire you to all do the same.

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